Friday, May 23, 2008

Looking Back

I'm having trouble falling asleep tonight so I've been sitting here looking at pictures of Shiloh from birth to present. It makes me so sad!! I see these pictures of this tiny little baby but I find I can't remember her! The first 12 days after bringing Shiloh home from the hospital (revocation period) were so amazing but we were so concerned with Kim changing her mind that it was hard to really take in this time with our new daughter. Even after that there wasn't the initial bonding that occurs between mother and child. I can honestly say it took 2 1/2 to 3 months for me to really feel like I was a mother and this beautiful little baby was my daughter. Before Shiloh was born I was constantly telling Rich it would be weeks before he would get to hold her because I was never going to let her go. Yet I remember during the two weeks my mom came to visit after Shiloh's birth not really feeling that sensation to want to hold her every moment and take in this amazing gift I had been given. When my mom was holding her (which she did about 50% of the time...Rich had trouble bonding initially as well) I was content for her to keep her as long as she wanted. The experience felt more like a babysitting job for basically the first month.
Anyway, I didn't mean to get into all of that. I just wanted to say that next time around I am going to do my best to just accept the situation. I want to focus more on the baby in front of me, keeping in mind that for whatever reason God has placed this baby with us to love, nourish and care for he/ it for a couple days, a week, or forever...and I want to cherish that time because when baby #2 comes our way I want to truly live those moments and not look back with any regrets.

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