Thursday, January 27, 2011

Adoption Struggles

I'm feeling a little guilty right now.

I spoke to my friend, we'll call her Sara, who I mentioned along with her sister (she'll be Amanda), here. It sounds like Amanda is having some doubts regarding her decision. It also sounds like Amanda wasn't educated like she should have been prior to this birth. I tried to remain neutral when talking to Sara about everything. I remember being six days into our 12 day revocation period with Shiloh, and being told by one of Kim's friends that Kim had changed her mind. We spent the next six days just waiting for the dreaded call from our attorney. It was pure hell and a pain that I wish upon no one else. But Amanda has support from some family, and if she wants to parent, why shouldn't she be given a chance?

During Amanda's pregnancy she reminded me a lot of Kim. She was 100% dead set on adoption and no one could tell her anything else. Amanda and Sara seemed to become angry if anyone spoke of anything other than the positives of adoption. I saw this coming, but didn't feel close enough to Sara to speak up. Sara is the fiance of a friend of one of Richard's military friends who we are pretty close to. Anyway. As I suspected Amanda honestly thought this was going to be an easy thing to do and no one would be able to talk her out of it. Feeling this way, she never took the time to educate herself regarding adoption, and it sounds like the Potential Adoptive Parents' (PAP) attorney wasn't much help either. (apparently, Amanda never even knew that counseling was available for her until today when Sara asked me about it and I informed that it should be, and that the PAPs should have paid for that)

Anyway. According to Sara, Amanda seems to be second guessing her decision. I told her that is normal. It's one thing to say you are going to place your baby, when he/she is nothing more than heartburn, vomiting, and little kicks every now and then. It's something else to look at this beautiful little baby and make that decision again. I tried to educate Amanda and Sara where the attorney failed (counseling, TPR doesn't have to be signed that day, this is Amanda's time with the baby), but also share some of Kim's story. I know Kim misses Shiloh and Will like nothing else, but I also know that she is at peace with her decisions and happy with where she is today.

I honestly don't know what decision Amanda is going to make. The last time I spoke with Sara she informed me that she had spoken with the PAPs and they did pay for counseling for Amanda. I know this is probably horrible to say, but sometimes I'm glad I was so naive when we adopted Shiloh. As far as I can tell, everything about our adoption was ethical. Nothing was ever pushed on Kim. We had a pretty open relationship throughout her pregnancy. I did stay in the hospital room with her, but Richard and I made sure we gave her time to herself by going out for meals, going for walks, etc. I remember tearing up as we strapped Shiloh into her car seat. I left the room with a nurse because I didn't want Kim to think I was crying out of happiness. I remember looking at the nurse telling her that I wasn't crying out of joy, but that I was so sad for Kim. It almost confused me because I wasn't expecting to feel that. This is something that I struggle with now. Richard and I had discussed starting the adoption process again this month. We've had to change that plan because work is extremely slow for Richard right now, but even if we had, all we were going to do was spread the word we were wanting to adopt and then pray about it. If we met someone between now and the end of the year then we'd continue on with the process, if not then we'd be done and be a happy family of three. I feel almost guilty at times about the pain someone else will have to go through for my happiness...

Anyway. I'm going to go ahead and abruptly end this post or it will go on and on and on... I just hope that no matter what decision Amanda makes, she puts that little girl first.

1 comment:

Greta said...

Sounds like you're having complete normal feelings because you understand what a gift children are and because you so desired that.

You just have to rememer that you aren't CAUSING the pain. You are making what could be a painful situation a little easier for someone-knowing their child is going to a loving home.

It's gotta be hard...both sides of it.