"Adoption is not for the faint of heart."
Let me tell you, no truer words have been spoken.
Yes, we are adopting Shiloh's sister. I'll fill you all in later. Right now I have too much on my mind, and I'm not sure I'd be able to write a coherent post.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Open Adoption Roundtable #36: Agreements
Every so often this website for open adoption bloggers posts a writing prompt asking a question that is related to open adoption. A few of the blogs I follow answer these questions on a regular basis. I never took the time to answer one because none of them have ever really inspired me to want to answer it. Until now. This week's question brought back some memories. Here it is...
"Write about open adoption agreements. Is there one in your open adoption? What effect does it have on your relationships? If you could go back in time, would you approach the agreement differently?"
For those of you with no ties to open adoption, an open adoption agreement is something like a good faith statement signed by the adoptive parents and birth parents saying that the adoptive parents aren't going anywhere after the baby is born. Our open adoption agreement stated that we would have four (or maybe 5, I honestly don't remember) visits a year with Kim. I believe they were to be some time in the last two weeks of November, March, July, and then within two weeks of Shiloh's birthday. Our agreement also stated that we would send pictures twice a year.
Because of the fact that I bought and read just about every book on open adoption while we were going through the process, I was familiar with open adoption agreements before the topic came up during Kim's pregnancy. During our very first meeting with Kim we discussed the level of openness that we were all comfortable with. I'm fairly certain that we even decided on 4 visits a year at that initial meeting. We never discussed visits again until about a month before Kim's due date when the the signing of an open adoption agreement came up.
I'm going to stop here before I continue with the story. My reaction to our attorney's email regarding the agreement was not very good, so before I get into it I want to explain some things. Richard and I decided before we met Kim that our child's adoption would be open. We never wanted adoption to be a secret in our family. Our goal was to make our child's adoption as natural a thing for them as possible. Because we never intended on keeping any secrets from our child, we wanted our child's birth parents involved. We never want Shiloh to question Kim's love for her. We never want Shiloh to feel like she was just some inconvenience that Kim dealt with. We want Shiloh to have answers to some of the inevitable, hard questions she's going to have that we won't be able to answer. We want Shiloh to feel loved and nothing else.
Back to the story. I don't remember if it was a phone call or email that informed us that Kim wanted an open adoption agreement, but I do remember a very angry me sitting at Arby's with Richard that night. We both worked pretty late into the evening/early night back then. When I received the email/phone call, we decided to meet up somewhere close to where we both were so we could talk. This might not make sense to a lot of you, but I was very hurt by the news that Kim wanted an agreement. Kim and I had spent the last four months getting to know each other and bonding. Her request for the agreement meant (to me) that she didn't trust me. Yes, that was all I could think about. Kim was about to place her firstborn child to be raised by people she had only known for four months, and I was upset and angry because she wanted some kind of reassurance that we weren't going to take her baby and run (the agreement is not legally binding in our state). Looking back, I'm a little embarrassed by my behavior/feelings that night. Instead of trying to put myself in her shoes and think about how she was feeling, I could only think about myself. Fortunately, I've grown a lot as an adoptive parent since then.
Back to the actual questions for the roundtable. Obviously, yes, we do have an agreement. Does it effect our relationship? No. At this point, we might as well not even have the agreement. We see Kim whenever she wants to see us. We see her around Shiloh's birthday, at Shiloh's birthday party, we meet up for lunch dates, and she even came over for Halloween and Christmas this year. I see Kim as a member of our extended family. She recently thanked us for allowing her and Shiloh to form the closeness that they have. My response was an even bigger thank you to her. Kim has always respected mine and Richard's roles as Shiloh's parents, and that is something we appreciate more than we can say. She is the reason for her close relationship with Shiloh.
On a side note, still no news. Kim messaged me yesterday to discuss some things, but she ultimately still has not made up her mind. If she delivers around her due date (Shiloh and Will were both born within 2-3 days of theirs), we have about 2 1/2 weeks at most until we know for sure.
"Write about open adoption agreements. Is there one in your open adoption? What effect does it have on your relationships? If you could go back in time, would you approach the agreement differently?"
For those of you with no ties to open adoption, an open adoption agreement is something like a good faith statement signed by the adoptive parents and birth parents saying that the adoptive parents aren't going anywhere after the baby is born. Our open adoption agreement stated that we would have four (or maybe 5, I honestly don't remember) visits a year with Kim. I believe they were to be some time in the last two weeks of November, March, July, and then within two weeks of Shiloh's birthday. Our agreement also stated that we would send pictures twice a year.
Because of the fact that I bought and read just about every book on open adoption while we were going through the process, I was familiar with open adoption agreements before the topic came up during Kim's pregnancy. During our very first meeting with Kim we discussed the level of openness that we were all comfortable with. I'm fairly certain that we even decided on 4 visits a year at that initial meeting. We never discussed visits again until about a month before Kim's due date when the the signing of an open adoption agreement came up.
I'm going to stop here before I continue with the story. My reaction to our attorney's email regarding the agreement was not very good, so before I get into it I want to explain some things. Richard and I decided before we met Kim that our child's adoption would be open. We never wanted adoption to be a secret in our family. Our goal was to make our child's adoption as natural a thing for them as possible. Because we never intended on keeping any secrets from our child, we wanted our child's birth parents involved. We never want Shiloh to question Kim's love for her. We never want Shiloh to feel like she was just some inconvenience that Kim dealt with. We want Shiloh to have answers to some of the inevitable, hard questions she's going to have that we won't be able to answer. We want Shiloh to feel loved and nothing else.
Back to the story. I don't remember if it was a phone call or email that informed us that Kim wanted an open adoption agreement, but I do remember a very angry me sitting at Arby's with Richard that night. We both worked pretty late into the evening/early night back then. When I received the email/phone call, we decided to meet up somewhere close to where we both were so we could talk. This might not make sense to a lot of you, but I was very hurt by the news that Kim wanted an agreement. Kim and I had spent the last four months getting to know each other and bonding. Her request for the agreement meant (to me) that she didn't trust me. Yes, that was all I could think about. Kim was about to place her firstborn child to be raised by people she had only known for four months, and I was upset and angry because she wanted some kind of reassurance that we weren't going to take her baby and run (the agreement is not legally binding in our state). Looking back, I'm a little embarrassed by my behavior/feelings that night. Instead of trying to put myself in her shoes and think about how she was feeling, I could only think about myself. Fortunately, I've grown a lot as an adoptive parent since then.
Back to the actual questions for the roundtable. Obviously, yes, we do have an agreement. Does it effect our relationship? No. At this point, we might as well not even have the agreement. We see Kim whenever she wants to see us. We see her around Shiloh's birthday, at Shiloh's birthday party, we meet up for lunch dates, and she even came over for Halloween and Christmas this year. I see Kim as a member of our extended family. She recently thanked us for allowing her and Shiloh to form the closeness that they have. My response was an even bigger thank you to her. Kim has always respected mine and Richard's roles as Shiloh's parents, and that is something we appreciate more than we can say. She is the reason for her close relationship with Shiloh.
On a side note, still no news. Kim messaged me yesterday to discuss some things, but she ultimately still has not made up her mind. If she delivers around her due date (Shiloh and Will were both born within 2-3 days of theirs), we have about 2 1/2 weeks at most until we know for sure.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
My Birds
One of the birthday presents I received from Richard and Shiloh is a bird feeder. I'd been hoping to receive one for Mother's Day over the last couple years, so I was very excited to finally get it.
It took the birds a couple of days to find the feeder, but in the past few days they've really started coming around. We've seen Cardinals, Brown-Headed Cowbirds, Finches, and even a Dove. We also have two (sometimes 3) Mockingbirds that like to hang out in our yard and feed from the ground. I've started whistling at them recently, in hopes that they will mock me, but I've had no luck.
I've been trying to get pictures of "my birds", but my fairly basic camera isn't quite cutting it. I told Richard that his next big purchase for me should be a new camera. I've been asking for a Canon or Nikon DSLR for the last few years so I could take better pictures of Shiloh. If he won't get me one for her, maybe he'll do it for my birds. Probably not. Anyway. Here are a few decent pictures that I have been able to take.
Dove
We also have a really pretty House Finch that has visited the feeder a few times, but I can't get a picture of him. The Finches seems to be very skittish.
It took the birds a couple of days to find the feeder, but in the past few days they've really started coming around. We've seen Cardinals, Brown-Headed Cowbirds, Finches, and even a Dove. We also have two (sometimes 3) Mockingbirds that like to hang out in our yard and feed from the ground. I've started whistling at them recently, in hopes that they will mock me, but I've had no luck.
I've been trying to get pictures of "my birds", but my fairly basic camera isn't quite cutting it. I told Richard that his next big purchase for me should be a new camera. I've been asking for a Canon or Nikon DSLR for the last few years so I could take better pictures of Shiloh. If he won't get me one for her, maybe he'll do it for my birds. Probably not. Anyway. Here are a few decent pictures that I have been able to take.
There is usually a female cardinal with him, but I didn't see her this morning.
One of the mockingbirds
Dove
We also have a really pretty House Finch that has visited the feeder a few times, but I can't get a picture of him. The Finches seems to be very skittish.
Happy Easter
Shiloh's Easter sweater that Grammy made. I had one when I was about her age. On the back each bunny has a little cotton ball as their tail.
Easter egg hunt at Dale and Laci's
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Good Times
The Chef
We included crayfish this year. Surprisingly, they tasted okay, and I'm not a big seafood eater
Low Country Boil
All dressed up and nowhere to go
Ready to go find eggs in the front yard
Strawberry picking
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Another Update
Today on Facebook my cousin reminded me that I have a blog (I'm only half kidding), so I thought I'd come back and do another update.
I turn 30 on Friday. I've never been one to stress over birthdays. I've always felt younger (less mature) than my actual age. Plus, as long as that first number is a "two", who really cares?! Having said that, I feel the need to admit that I did spend a week not too long ago having a mini-crisis about turning the big 3-0. I am happy to report that I have come to terms with my impending birthday, or I'm just not thinking about it anymore. Either way, all is well again.
I can't mention my birthday without also mentioning our annual Low Country Boil. This will be our third year hosting it. One of Richard's close friends from high school (who also lives in our neighborhood) turns 30 the day after me, so three years ago we decided to have a joint birthday party. Brandon (the friend) requested that a low country boil be included that first year. Everyone enjoyed it so much, we've done it every year since. It's definitely a day that we all look forward to.
Saturday will be the boil, and then on Sunday my sisters will be arriving! Adrienne is driving down to N.C. tomorrow, then Adrienne, Andrea, and the kids will be driving down to Georgia on Sunday. Shiloh is so excited to see her cousins, and I'm excited to see them all. It's rare that we have a full house, so I'm looking forward to it.
In potential adoption news, no decision has been made at this point. I just keep telling myself that no matter what we'll definitely know in a month. The baby's due date is April 28th, and the first two were born within a couple of days of their due dates. I've been praying for K as she makes this decision. I know she's very torn, and very confused right now. As hard as all of this waiting has been on us, I know that what she is going through is much worse.
Continuing on the topic of adoption, it appears we might have a second option if K decides to parent. It's too early to go into details, but this option would be a little different. This other potential situation has me feeling excited, scared, grateful, nervous, and ecstatic about all of the possibilities that come with it. At this point though, it's all talk. Richard and I are both in agreement that Shiloh's sister comes before this second situation.
And that's what's new with us. I'll leave you with a picture of Richard and Shiloh from our church East egg hunt this past Sunday. Enjoy :)
I turn 30 on Friday. I've never been one to stress over birthdays. I've always felt younger (less mature) than my actual age. Plus, as long as that first number is a "two", who really cares?! Having said that, I feel the need to admit that I did spend a week not too long ago having a mini-crisis about turning the big 3-0. I am happy to report that I have come to terms with my impending birthday, or I'm just not thinking about it anymore. Either way, all is well again.
I can't mention my birthday without also mentioning our annual Low Country Boil. This will be our third year hosting it. One of Richard's close friends from high school (who also lives in our neighborhood) turns 30 the day after me, so three years ago we decided to have a joint birthday party. Brandon (the friend) requested that a low country boil be included that first year. Everyone enjoyed it so much, we've done it every year since. It's definitely a day that we all look forward to.
Saturday will be the boil, and then on Sunday my sisters will be arriving! Adrienne is driving down to N.C. tomorrow, then Adrienne, Andrea, and the kids will be driving down to Georgia on Sunday. Shiloh is so excited to see her cousins, and I'm excited to see them all. It's rare that we have a full house, so I'm looking forward to it.
In potential adoption news, no decision has been made at this point. I just keep telling myself that no matter what we'll definitely know in a month. The baby's due date is April 28th, and the first two were born within a couple of days of their due dates. I've been praying for K as she makes this decision. I know she's very torn, and very confused right now. As hard as all of this waiting has been on us, I know that what she is going through is much worse.
Continuing on the topic of adoption, it appears we might have a second option if K decides to parent. It's too early to go into details, but this option would be a little different. This other potential situation has me feeling excited, scared, grateful, nervous, and ecstatic about all of the possibilities that come with it. At this point though, it's all talk. Richard and I are both in agreement that Shiloh's sister comes before this second situation.
And that's what's new with us. I'll leave you with a picture of Richard and Shiloh from our church East egg hunt this past Sunday. Enjoy :)
Friday, February 10, 2012
Here's What's Up
I signed Shiloh up for preschool last week. She's not excited at all. If you ask Shiloh if she's going to school in a few months, her response every time is a very adamant, "NO." She would rather stay home with me. If you ask me, my response is a somewhat excited, "Yes!". Yes, I'm the bad mom who is actually kind of excited about my daughter going to school. Now, don't get me wrong. I will be crying the morning of August 27th. Heck, I teared up just telling Richard about registration. I'm sad that my child is old enough for preschool, but, man, those mornings to myself will be great.
In other news (I don't think I shared this on the blog), my sister is pregnant again. Andrea will be having another boy in early June. Andrea and Daniel were happy with the news. Everyone else wanted another girl. They said they couldn't handle another Camryn. I see where they're coming from. If we ever did adopt again, I'd be tempted to wait for a boy.
In adoption related news, we had our yearly visit with Will's family a couple of weeks ago. He turned two on the 26th. He's a cutie. Will and Shiloh have the same eyes, nose and smile. He also has chubby cheeks like Shiloh used to have. He has Kim's dark hair, dark eyes, and his skin tone matches hers perfectly.
In other adoption related news, some of you may remember that Kim is pregnant again. She found out in December that she's having another little girl. We found out in December that she's considering placing again. She still doesn't know what she's going to do. I'm trying to be patient because I know it's a huge decision, but I wish she would give us some indication as to which way she's leaning. Richard is smart. If you ask him, she's keeping the baby. He has himself convinced that her plan is to parent. This way, he has nothing to think about. I, on the other hand, can't do that. I know for a fact (as does he), that she truly does not know what she is going to do yet. My brain won't let my think otherwise. I wish it would. It would make all of this a lot easier.
In other news (I don't think I shared this on the blog), my sister is pregnant again. Andrea will be having another boy in early June. Andrea and Daniel were happy with the news. Everyone else wanted another girl. They said they couldn't handle another Camryn. I see where they're coming from. If we ever did adopt again, I'd be tempted to wait for a boy.
In adoption related news, we had our yearly visit with Will's family a couple of weeks ago. He turned two on the 26th. He's a cutie. Will and Shiloh have the same eyes, nose and smile. He also has chubby cheeks like Shiloh used to have. He has Kim's dark hair, dark eyes, and his skin tone matches hers perfectly.
In other adoption related news, some of you may remember that Kim is pregnant again. She found out in December that she's having another little girl. We found out in December that she's considering placing again. She still doesn't know what she's going to do. I'm trying to be patient because I know it's a huge decision, but I wish she would give us some indication as to which way she's leaning. Richard is smart. If you ask him, she's keeping the baby. He has himself convinced that her plan is to parent. This way, he has nothing to think about. I, on the other hand, can't do that. I know for a fact (as does he), that she truly does not know what she is going to do yet. My brain won't let my think otherwise. I wish it would. It would make all of this a lot easier.
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