Adoption Struggles

I'm feeling a little guilty right now.

I spoke to my friend, we'll call her Sara, who I mentioned along with her sister (she'll be Amanda), here. It sounds like Amanda is having some doubts regarding her decision. It also sounds like Amanda wasn't educated like she should have been prior to this birth. I tried to remain neutral when talking to Sara about everything. I remember being six days into our 12 day revocation period with Shiloh, and being told by one of Kim's friends that Kim had changed her mind. We spent the next six days just waiting for the dreaded call from our attorney. It was pure hell and a pain that I wish upon no one else. But Amanda has support from some family, and if she wants to parent, why shouldn't she be given a chance?

During Amanda's pregnancy she reminded me a lot of Kim. She was 100% dead set on adoption and no one could tell her anything else. Amanda and Sara seemed to become angry if anyone spoke of anything other than the positives of adoption. I saw this coming, but didn't feel close enough to Sara to speak up. Sara is the fiance of a friend of one of Richard's military friends who we are pretty close to. Anyway. As I suspected Amanda honestly thought this was going to be an easy thing to do and no one would be able to talk her out of it. Feeling this way, she never took the time to educate herself regarding adoption, and it sounds like the Potential Adoptive Parents' (PAP) attorney wasn't much help either. (apparently, Amanda never even knew that counseling was available for her until today when Sara asked me about it and I informed that it should be, and that the PAPs should have paid for that)

Anyway. According to Sara, Amanda seems to be second guessing her decision. I told her that is normal. It's one thing to say you are going to place your baby, when he/she is nothing more than heartburn, vomiting, and little kicks every now and then. It's something else to look at this beautiful little baby and make that decision again. I tried to educate Amanda and Sara where the attorney failed (counseling, TPR doesn't have to be signed that day, this is Amanda's time with the baby), but also share some of Kim's story. I know Kim misses Shiloh and Will like nothing else, but I also know that she is at peace with her decisions and happy with where she is today.

I honestly don't know what decision Amanda is going to make. The last time I spoke with Sara she informed me that she had spoken with the PAPs and they did pay for counseling for Amanda. I know this is probably horrible to say, but sometimes I'm glad I was so naive when we adopted Shiloh. As far as I can tell, everything about our adoption was ethical. Nothing was ever pushed on Kim. We had a pretty open relationship throughout her pregnancy. I did stay in the hospital room with her, but Richard and I made sure we gave her time to herself by going out for meals, going for walks, etc. I remember tearing up as we strapped Shiloh into her car seat. I left the room with a nurse because I didn't want Kim to think I was crying out of happiness. I remember looking at the nurse telling her that I wasn't crying out of joy, but that I was so sad for Kim. It almost confused me because I wasn't expecting to feel that. This is something that I struggle with now. Richard and I had discussed starting the adoption process again this month. We've had to change that plan because work is extremely slow for Richard right now, but even if we had, all we were going to do was spread the word we were wanting to adopt and then pray about it. If we met someone between now and the end of the year then we'd continue on with the process, if not then we'd be done and be a happy family of three. I feel almost guilty at times about the pain someone else will have to go through for my happiness...

Anyway. I'm going to go ahead and abruptly end this post or it will go on and on and on... I just hope that no matter what decision Amanda makes, she puts that little girl first.

Wordless Wednesday: This Is What My Saturday Nights Have Become

(for the record, the word was FUNK)

Although, I'm not complaining.

Birthdays

Happy Birthday to Will!!

I thought it was interesting that this morning the sister of a friend of ours went into labor. Everyone is at the hospital right now, with the potential adoptive parents of her child by her side. I've been thinking about her a lot today. To keep what I'm feeling short and simple, I'll just say that I wish her the best with what she is going through today and what she will go through in the coming days.

More Food

If you like to eat at a certain Italian restaurant with the initials O.G., and you are also a fan of a certain soup on the their menu called Zuppa Toscana, you MUST try this recipe. It tastes EXACTLY the same as what the restaurant serves.

Ingrediants:

• 1 lb ground Italian sausage
• 1½ tsp crushed red peppers
• 4 Tbsp bacon pieces
• 2 tsp garlic puree
• 1 large diced white onion
• 5 cups water
• 5 cups of chicken broth
  
• 1 cup heavy cream
• 1 lb sliced Russet potatoes, or about 3 large potatoes
• ¼ of a bunch of kale

Directions:

Sauté Italian sausage and crushed red pepper in a large pot.
Drain excess fat and refrigerate while you prepare other ingredients.
Using the same pot, sauté bacon, onions and garlic over low-medium heat for approximately 15 mins. or until the onions are soft.
Add chicken broth and water to the pot and heat until it starts to boil.
Add the sliced potatoes and cook until soft. It takes about half an hour.
Add the heavy cream and cook just until heated.
Stir in the sausage and the kale, and heat all the way through.
Enjoy!


I also made these rolls to go with it. Amazing.

Operation Frozen Pot Pie Freedom

I went a little overboard with my Chili making earlier in the winter season, causing me to need to find a new cold weather food favorite. About this time I found myself craving a good Chicken Pot Pie. Pot pies were never a favorite of mine growing up. We always had the kind that you pull out of the freezer and pop in the oven. Richard has the same pot pie past as myself, so he was less than ecstatic and very skeptical upon hearing that I was on a mission to find the easiest tastiest Chicken Pot Pie recipe.

After a week of sighs and nasty faces from Richard at just the thought of a pot pie, I started to feel guilty about making it. I actually pushed it back to the very end of the week, making every other meal possible, until I ran out of other options.

The final product...



30 minutes and multiple helpings for Richard later...


Yeah. It was THAT good.


Chicken Pot Pie

• 1 pound skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - cubed (I found sliced chicken breast at Kroger, so all I had to do was cut them into cubes. I'm all about easy)
  
• 1 cup sliced carrots
• 1 cup frozen green peas*
  
• 1/2 cup sliced celery
• 1/3 cup butter
• 1/3 cup chopped onion
• 1/3 cup all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 1/4 teaspoon black pepper
• 1/4 teaspoon celery seed (we didn't have celery seed on hand and I didn't know what celery seed as, so I figured the actual celery would be enough. See how new I am to homemade cooking :))
  
• 1 3/4 cups chicken broth
• 2/3 cup milk
  
• 2 (9 inch) unbaked pie crusts (we used Kroger brand and they were awesome)

*We are not fans of peas, so we kept them out and added more carrots and celery.


Directions

1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C.)
2. In a saucepan, combine chicken, carrots, peas, and celery. Add water to cover and boil for 15 minutes. Remove from heat, drain and set aside.
3. In the saucepan over medium heat, cook onions in butter until soft and translucent. Stir in flour, salt, pepper, and celery seed. Slowly stir in chicken broth and milk. Simmer over medium-low heat until thick. Remove from heat and set aside.
4. Place the chicken mixture in bottom pie crust. Pour hot liquid mixture over. Cover with top crust, seal edges, and cut away excess dough. Make several small slits in the top to allow steam to escape.
5. Bake in the preheated oven for 30 to 35 minutes, or until pastry is golden brown and filling is bubbly. Cool for 10 minutes before serving.

What Shiloh Is Saying

"I know", as in...

Anyone: "Shiloh, you look really nice today."
Shiloh: "I know."
Anyone: "I had a lot of fun with you today."
Shiloh: "I know"
Anyone: "Shiloh, I like your shirt."
Shiloh: "I know."

...you get the picture.


"Very"
As in, "I very want to play Candyland right now."


"Should"
"I should like... This one!" Said as she finally decided which Strawberry Shortcake band-aid she wanted to use.

"Well, actually, yeah, actually, the phone, yeah, yeah, well."
What you might hear while talking to Shiloh on the phone when Shiloh has nothing to say but doesn't want to give up the phone just yet.

A Year Later...

He's a cutie!

For anyone new to my blog, "He" is Shiloh's brother, Will, who was also placed for adoption. Richard and I were to be his adoptive parents until we had to back out for various personal reasons.

Aside from their chubby cheeks, I have a hard time finding similarities between Shiloh and Will. However, they are both awesome sleepers and had blocked tear ducts early on (Shiloh's fixed itself, but Will had to have his opened). Also, Will's a screamer, too. And by screamer I mean, at random times he'll just let out an ear piercing scream.

We had a wonderful evening together. Laura and Jeff (Will's parents) are so nice, exactly as they were in the hospital, and were so welcoming. Laura made an awesome dinner of homemade lasagna, breadsticks and salad; complete with homemade salad dressing. After we ate I told Laura a visit at my house is out of the question. My online pizza ordering skills won't compare to her cooking skills.

I spent most of the time huddled around the kitchen counter with Kim talking and playing with Will while Laura cooked. Shiloh spent most of her time running around with Will's older brother, Charlie. She had SO much fun with him and they played so very well together, with no fighting/arguing whatsoever.

Overall, it was a great evening and I'm hoping that now that we've gotten the first visit out of the way, we'll have many more with all of us.

I want to touch on Shiloh and Will's relationship real quick. I'm sure some of you are wondering about it. Considering this is the first time she's met him, they really don't have one. When Will was first born we thought we'd see him on a somewhat regular basis, so we showed Shiloh pictures and talked about him with her. Once we realized we had no idea when she'd see/meet him, we backed off. I'm pretty sure all of the talking we were doing was going in one ear and out the other anyway. I mean, how do you explain to a just-turned-two-year-old that she has a brother who she has never met? Especially since at that point in her life the word brother meant absolutely nothing to her. I did talk about Will with Shiloh on Tuesday evening (the night before our visit), just to try to explain to her who we were going to see. I basically told her that Will grew in Kim's belly just like she did. Adoption isn't a topic we touch on a lot in our family. When my sister was pregnant with my niece I discussed with Shiloh how she grew in Kim's belly, but that's about the extent of it. I don't want to push it on her, and when I bring it up she doesn't engage herself in the conversation, so I leave it at that. Right now we focus more on nurturing Kim and Shiloh's relationship. As she gets older we'll touch more on the terms and who's who. For now, she knows Kim, she's as comfortable with Kim as she is with any family member, and, for us, that's enough.

Some of you may also be wondering if I was affected at all by our visit. I know that was Richard's first question when we got home. I think that not seeing him for almost year was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. Leaving the hospital after visiting him was physically painful for me. I hurt for myself, of course, but even more so for Shiloh. I failed her. She had this awesome opportunity to be raised with her sibling, and we screwed it up. I spent some time on the kitchen floor the next day "talking" to God, trying to make sense of everything. Definitely not one of my best moments.

Anyway. After a year I, of course, felt no attachment to him and, if anything, it was kind of weird looking at him knowing that he is related to Shiloh. I told Richard, after we returned home, that this is a side of adoption that I never even imagined. I will admit that I did spend some time later that night looking at pictures I'd taken, trying to imagine Will a part of our family/as my son, but looking back, knowing the things I know now, I can honestly say and see that he wasn't meant to be ours. If he couldn't be raised by Kim, he's definitely with the family that was meant for him.

Moving on to what some of you have been waiting for... I have the cutest picture of Kim, Will and Shiloh that I would love to post, but it seems that lately I have more than my five regular visitors coming to this blog so I don't feel comfortable posting a picture of Will on here. However, if you'd like to see it, let me know and I'll email it to you. I will leave you, though, with a cute picture of Kim and Shiloh from last night.